I've often wondered what I would do if I rubbed a lamp and a sexy genie came out, offering me anything I wanted

first off, I'd ask her to finish polishing the lamp. I mean, that's a given. why am I still polishing lamps if I have a genie to do my bidding?

then I'd probably wish for more wishes. I feel like that would be a good icebreaker. I mean, she wouldn't grant it, but she'd giggle cutely and think I was an idiot, and that would get our relationship off on the right foot.

I wouldn't ask her to do impressions like Robin Williams. I bet genies are super-tired of trying to live up to that. there's just no way.

would I ask her to do sex stuff? no, probably not. I mean, if she *wanted* to do sex stuff, I wouldn't say no. Well, not to most stuff. I don't know what genies are into, so I don't want to commit to something that might be very uncomfortable.

I would probably ask her for a trillion dollars to give to the poor. I bet if each poor person had a trillion dollars, there would be less poverty in the world for a couple years until Amazon and social media figured out a way to rip them all off.

then I would ask for her phone number. you gotta try, right? 

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY by all means stand here reading these instructions, you absolute twit. this sign is just here to keep you busy while all the smart people do what they do. otherwise you'd be flailing your arms wildly, probably screaming and wetting other people, and we'd have to spare precious resources in a dire situation just getting you out of the way. 

I used to know Michael Stipe, Patti Smith, Tom Petty, and probably three or four other people's names. 

how many dozes could a bull doze, if a bull dozes bozers?

wait, that's not right. you're a fireman. 

the last thing Major Fontaineau said before his lungs collapsed and he resigned from the Zoning Commission was, "I'm actually three ocelots in a cat, pretending to be Raymond Burr. don't tell anyone except those reporters over there."

sometimes I get tired of telling everyone what to do. can't people just oppress and exploit themselves once in a while?

I don't know why I got into this lifeguard gig. 

oh, pale rider! she brings death in the morning,
pancakes after 3, and telegrams from 1891 tycoons
in the evening with your supper:
bone-dry despair, slightly chilled and served
with a salad of spring greens
and disdain. 

look, if it's ogling you want, you probably should do something about that dog that keeps barking all night. he's very off key, and the other dogs are complaining.

red alert red alert DANGER Spock Robinson!

all readings show we are on a collision course with anti-space! recommend we engage our pesto-plasma shields and set warp drives to puree factor 4.

make it so, mr. solo! admiral gandolf expects us to join the fleet at Cair Paravel by 2900 hours last Thursday, and we're not going to be early again. not on my watch!

sir, that is not your watch. that is a vibrator.

good observation, Doctor. now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment in Samara. 

 oldviolin wrote:
Ooh... hot!!!

It's crack yourself up day here in the community, so get your terra cotta on, folks! Dip that dive and bee that hive. Wing your tips and wear out your welcome. What the flow needs it goads and gets! Door prizes. Apple bobs. Peanut Butter chocolate knobs and twisters by the twistee moonlight.
Cue King Harvest! Cue Uncle Van! Cue old Philly Lynott, the sonic man with the plan!

Ladies and gentlemen, the land of superior thought processes lies just beyond the horizon of understanding in the valley of compelled conformity. Leave your well worn garments of sensibility and thrust through the stank crackling air of infidelity. After all, who needs irony or intuition? You can always wear a mask if it gets hard to breathe. Welcome to the machine. All your gears are us! Cognition is king. Form your thoughts and words in accordance.  Stay in line! Gird your aegis and hold your mighty javelin dead sight reckoning! Truth is all that matters! We don't need no stinking badgers. We have assurance! Infidels be damned!

 lily34 wrote:

 oldviolin wrote:

ok, but not because you said so.

 lily34 wrote: 
Define "die"

 oldviolin wrote:

but did you die?

What do you get when you cross The Artificial Intelligence thread with The Alternate Universe?
Why fake career options and dry ice castles of course...

 lily34 wrote:

Wild Turkey or no?

 oldviolin wrote:

AND National Drinking With Chickens Day. i kid  you not.

It's World Turtle Day so remember to hug a turtle on the way to school. They shell appreciate it...