the first drawer is where I keep my socks. the left socks are on the right, and the right socks are on the left. each one is labeled with an arrow pointing to the foot it doesn't go on. I hate when my socks get mixed up.
I keep a few spare hens in the second drawer. it's noisy, and it's smelly, but in these modern times I just don't see how you don't have spare hens on hand.
the third drawer ... I don't want to talk about that. it's not anything weird or gross, it's just where I keep the inescapable silence and emptiness that will inevitably replace this entire universe.
the fourth drawer is for socks I haven't gotten around to sorting and labelling yet. that's where most of my frustration comes from, so I don't open it much. I've got two pairs in the first drawer, so as long as I keep up with my laundry I don't need the other four hundred.
the fight drawer is for fight club. moving on.
the sixth drawer is for the club to not talk about fight club. it meets every Tuesday in the third drawer.
I've often wondered what I would do if I rubbed a lamp and a sexy genie came out, offering me anything I wanted
first off, I'd ask her to finish polishing the lamp. I mean, that's a given. why am I still polishing lamps if I have a genie to do my bidding?
then I'd probably wish for more wishes. I feel like that would be a good icebreaker. I mean, she wouldn't grant it, but she'd giggle cutely and think I was an idiot, and that would get our relationship off on the right foot.
I wouldn't ask her to do impressions like Robin Williams. I bet genies are super-tired of trying to live up to that. there's just no way.
would I ask her to do sex stuff? no, probably not. I mean, if she *wanted* to do sex stuff, I wouldn't say no. Well, not to most stuff. I don't know what genies are into, so I don't want to commit to something that might be very uncomfortable.
I would probably ask her for a trillion dollars to give to the poor. I bet if each poor person had a trillion dollars, there would be less poverty in the world for a couple years until Amazon and social media figured out a way to rip them all off.
then I would ask for her phone number. you gotta try, right?
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY by all means stand here reading these instructions, you absolute twit. this sign is just here to keep you busy while all the smart people do what they do. otherwise you'd be flailing your arms wildly, probably screaming and wetting other people, and we'd have to spare precious resources in a dire situation just getting you out of the way.
the last thing Major Fontaineau said before his lungs collapsed and he resigned from the Zoning Commission was, "I'm actually three ocelots in a cat, pretending to be Raymond Burr. don't tell anyone except those reporters over there."
oh, pale rider! she brings death in the morning, pancakes after 3, and telegrams from 1891 tycoons in the evening with your supper: bone-dry despair, slightly chilled and served with a salad of spring greens and disdain.
look, if it's ogling you want, you probably should do something about that dog that keeps barking all night. he's very off key, and the other dogs are complaining.
all readings show we are on a collision course with anti-space! recommend we engage our pesto-plasma shields and set warp drives to puree factor 4.
make it so, mr. solo! admiral gandolf expects us to join the fleet at Cair Paravel by 2900 hours last Thursday, and we're not going to be early again. not on my watch!
sir, that is not your watch. that is a vibrator.
good observation, Doctor. now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment in Samara.
It's crack yourself up day here in the community, so get your terra cotta on, folks! Dip that dive and bee that hive. Wing your tips and wear out your welcome. What the flow needs it goads and gets! Door prizes. Apple bobs. Peanut Butter chocolate knobs and twisters by the twistee moonlight.
Cue King Harvest! Cue Uncle Van! Cue old Philly Lynott, the sonic man with the plan!
It's crack yourself up day here in the community, so get your terra cotta on, folks! Dip that dive and bee that hive. Wing your tips and wear out your welcome. What the flow needs it goads and gets! Door prizes. Apple bobs. Peanut Butter chocolate knobs and twisters by the twistee moonlight.
Cue King Harvest! Cue Uncle Van! Cue old Philly Lynott, the sonic man with the plan!
Ladies and gentlemen, the land of superior thought processes lies just beyond the horizon of understanding in the valley of compelled conformity. Leave your well worn garments of sensibility and thrust through the stank crackling air of infidelity. After all, who needs irony or intuition? You can always wear a mask if it gets hard to breathe. Welcome to the machine. All your gears are us! Cognition is king. Form your thoughts and words in accordance. Stay in line! Gird your aegis and hold your mighty javelin dead sight reckoning! Truth is all that matters! We don't need no stinking badgers. We have assurance! Infidels be damned!
