2cats wrote: 

 lily34 wrote: 
How many dead people are in that cemetery?  Dad replies, "All of them."

 Coaxial wrote: 
don't forget to tip your servers!

 lily34 wrote: 

 Proclivities wrote: 


and

know why those people can't be buried in the cemetary next to their house?
because they're not dead yet.

 lily34 wrote: 
Those remind me of one I saw in the song comments - I don't remember which song:

Why are there so many people named Jones in the phone book?
Because they all have phones. 

from the ultimate collection of cheesy dad jokes files:

What happens if you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
It gets wet.

Pointing up to some geese flying above: "You ever notice that one side of the 'flying V' is always longer than the other? You know why that is? More geese on that side."

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

 Prodigal_SOB wrote: 

This joke has a rather misleading premise.

Two Red Herrings walk into a bar. The bartender, somewhat startled by their piscine presence, slowly looks them up and down. Finally, he says "OK my fine fishy friends, what can I get you?".

 

"Water!", they gasped.

Contact Lens 

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. 

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. 

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. 

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. 

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to
the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a
reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 DaveInVA wrote: 

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Rodney Dangerfield said " I get no respect, yesterday I met C. Everit Koop and he offered me a cigarett "

 Antigone wrote: