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Can you afford to retire?
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Old timers, crosswords &
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June 2024 Photo Theme - Eyes
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Artificial Intelligence
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Gotta Get Your Drink On
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Snakes & streaming images. WTH is going on?
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What's with the Sitar? ...and Robert Plant
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NASA & other news from space
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songs that ROCK!
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USA! USA! USA!
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Israel
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Mixtape Culture Club
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Climate Change
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Today in History
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Democratic Party
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Name My Band
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What makes you smile?
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the Todd Rundgren topic
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Photos you have taken of your walks or hikes.
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What Makes You Laugh?
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What Are You Going To Do Today?
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Automotive Lust
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Trump
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Baseball, anyone?
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Things You Thought Today
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Your First Albums
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King Crimson
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2024 Elections!
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Your favourite conspiracy theory?
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Beer
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RP on Twitter
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What Did You See Today?
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ONE WORD
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May 2024 Photo Theme - Peaceful
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Human Curated?
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Evolution!
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favorite love songs
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Sonos
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Fascism In America
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You might be getting old if......
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Science in the News
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Roku App - Roku Asterisk Menu
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Geomorphology
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The Obituary Page
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Notification bar on android
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Interviews with the artists
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RightWingNutZ
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RP Daily Trivia Challenge
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Poetry Forum
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fortune cookies, says:
- thisbody - May 27, 2024 - 3:50pm
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •
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First World Problems
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Funny Videos
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Internet connection
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Index »
Radio Paradise/General »
General Discussion »
~ Have a good joke you can post? ~
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Page: Previous 1, 2, 3 ... 8, 9, 10 ... 311, 312, 313 Next |
DD gypsyman
Location: Joined Nov 27, 2006 Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 10:38am |
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black321 wrote: I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
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NoEnzLefttoSplit
Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 10:35am |
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haresfur wrote:
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DaveInSaoMiguel
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 9:26am |
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72 virgins An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores.?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity.?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women.?"
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black321
Location: An earth without maps Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 9:18am |
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I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
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Coaxial
Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 8:02am |
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lily34 wrote: thanks for fixing that for me. i am not sure what happened on my end...
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lily34
Location: GTFO Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 6:49am |
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Coaxial wrote: Good one.
thanks for fixing that for me. i am not sure what happened on my end...
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Coaxial
Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 6:37am |
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lily34 wrote:my boss just forwarded this to me: With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. Some of us have had brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but because it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. Good one.
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DD gypsyman
Location: Joined Nov 27, 2006 Gender:
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 6:36am |
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don't read past line 630....
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Antigone
Location: A house, in a Virginian Valley Gender:
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Posted:
Nov 24, 2013 - 2:09pm |
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A joke that Radney Foster told last night:
A little boy went up to his mother and said, "When I grow up I want to be a musician."
His mother replied, "You can't have it both ways, dear."
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DaveInSaoMiguel
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
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Posted:
Nov 22, 2013 - 8:17am |
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The Teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time.?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Mam, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas.?" "Well, Mam, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas.?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas for two weeks.
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helenofjoy
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska Gender:
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Posted:
Nov 19, 2013 - 2:46pm |
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DaveInVA wrote:Two Irish Nuns Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross." So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?
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DaveInSaoMiguel
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
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Posted:
Nov 19, 2013 - 12:26pm |
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Two Irish Nuns Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross." So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?
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black321
Location: An earth without maps Gender:
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Posted:
Nov 14, 2013 - 1:52pm |
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A Bruce Springsteen joke from his show the other night: An old man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t get an erection.” Doc says, “Have your tried the pills I gave you?” Old man says, “I’ve been popping them like candy, and nothing.” Doc scratches his head and says, “Well, sorry I don’t think there is a medical answer to your problem. However, I might have a solution. Go down to the corner shop and see the gypsy woman.” Old man goes down to the gypsy and tells her his story. Gypsy says, “I have something for you. When you are ready, sprinkle some of this dust on your Johnson and say: 1, 2, 3. If you do this you will get an erection. However, this will only work one time, so only do it when you are ready.” Old man says, “Great, great. But how do I get it to go down?” Gypsy says, “Oh that’s easy, just say: 1, 2, 3, 4.” Old man is excited. He gets home and tells his wife to get upstairs as he has something that will get him an erection. The wife gets in bed and old man says, “OK honey, are you ready? Here we go.” He takes out the dust and sprinkles it on, and says, “1, 2, 3.” Sure enough he gets an erection. Just as he’s getting ready to get into bed, his wife, who looks puzzled says, “I don’t get it? What’s the 1, 2, 3 for?"
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Atman
Location: Sandpoint, ID Gender:
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Posted:
Nov 14, 2013 - 1:26pm |
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00.”Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:1. You have tennis elbow.2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.3. It will be better in two weeks…….That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:1. Your tap water is too hard.2. Get a water softener.3. Your dog has ringworm.4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.5. Your daughter is using cocaine.6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
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haresfur
Location: The Golden Triangle Gender:
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Posted:
Sep 24, 2013 - 6:31pm |
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Antigone wrote:A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking several joints, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' The koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
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Antigone
Location: A house, in a Virginian Valley Gender:
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Posted:
Sep 24, 2013 - 5:53pm |
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking several joints, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' The koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
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haresfur
Location: The Golden Triangle Gender:
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 5:39pm |
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Manbird wrote: "Time to throw in the trowel and digeridoo some walkabout marmite Vegemite, ya bleedin drongo!"
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Manbird
Location: La Villa Toscana Gender:
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 3:54pm |
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aflanigan wrote:What did the bricklayer say when he realized he was going to lose the bricklaying contest?
"Time to throw in the trowel and digeridoo some walkabout marmite, ya bleedin drongo!"
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aflanigan
Location: At Sea Gender:
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 1:49pm |
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What did the bricklayer say when he realized he was going to lose the bricklaying contest?
"Time to throw in the trowel."
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cc_rider
Location: Bastrop Gender:
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 1:42pm |
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aflanigan wrote: Also the panties in the glovebox joke.
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